


F4216

by tatertotarmy



Category: Tales of Xillia, Tales of Xillia 2
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Past Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-28
Updated: 2015-10-28
Packaged: 2018-04-28 15:45:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5096204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tatertotarmy/pseuds/tatertotarmy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Sorry Uncle, I forgot my place."</p><p>He repeats those words over and over again in his head as he walks back to his apartment. It scares Alvin how no matter he tries to become a better person, he slips easily back into the liar he used to be.</p><p>(ToX2 Spoilers)</p>
            </blockquote>





	F4216

It was all a fractured dimension. Nothing there had actually been real.

He puked the thought into the toilet and watched as the words dissolved into bile. Heated pants crawled up from his throat, opening it up for another wave of vomit. It was like his body was trying to get rid of the shit that built up in the fractured dimension, but couldn’t find a way to puke out actions, words, memories. So instead, it puked out the little food Alvin had that evening, leaving him trembling next to his porcelain throne as he was reminded why his life had gone to the shitter.

Even now, he couldn’t escape the episodes. Especially when he went to the place he followed Ludger into. 

A flash of Gilland’s face clouded his eyes, and Alvin felt another wave of nausea hit him.

After all these years, he could still remember everything.

He could still smell the smoke hit his face, looking up at Gilland with the eyes of a frightened child, only wanting to know where his mother was. He remembered pressing his head beneath a pillow, waiting for Gilland to stop screaming at his wailing mother. He remembered being hit again and again for disobedience whenever Alvin showed any sign of straying from the path of Exodus. And he remembered when Gilland realized that hitting his mother was a more effective way of controlling him.

And what did he do when he saw Gilland in the fractured dimension? He smiled. Smiled like nothing possibly went wrong. Smiled like an idiot would in the face of an abuser. He smiled, and didn’t even hesitate to fall into the subordinate role again, not daring to step outside the boundary between bruises and raises. It made him remember the years he spent working for that bastard. 

He thought he was different now that he had broken free of Exodus and the path carved out of blood and lies.

But he smiled.

It made him sick. Sick with the lies he spewed to an alternate Gilland and sick with the lies he told the others when they asked if he was okay. He thought he was alright, but it was the second he arrived in his apartment alone did thing dawn on him. The mask had slipped on so well that it masked his own feelings from himself.

How fucking pathetic. He was supposed to be better than this now. The thought that he could still go back into that persona scared him. What if he couldn’t be the person that his friends believed he could be? It was so easy to tip back into what he was almost a year ago. What if he was weak enough to go back over the edge? Alvin didn’t want that, but he was an unstable person. Always unhinged, only kept in control by Exodus’ grip on his mother. Without Exodus and with his mother long since buried, he had nothing.

Nothing. Just like the moment he was desperate enough to swallow a lie and attempt to murder Jude.

He lifted his head from the toilet as dull noises crawled into his ears. They were faded knocks, gradually growing louder the more he focused on them. How long had someone been at the door? Alvin didn’t have a fucking clue, and he was tempted to keep letting them knock. He had enough of people for the day. He didn’t want to risk anything.

Alvin shakily stood up from the throne and flushed the toilet. He turned to look in the mirror and a harsh sigh tore through the acid in his throat. What a mess he was. The usual dark circles built up from years of little to no sleep were made more prominent by a pale face and the red mark from where he had rested his head on the toilet. His plain black shirt was thankfully left unstained. Good. He didn’t have the energy to put a button-up over it, anyway. A hand ran through his hair, left wilder than usual since he returned from the job.

He couldn’t be seen like this.

Two steps out of the bathroom and the knocking stopped. Alvin looked over at the front door of his apartment, daring for the visitor to knock again. He didn’t want them to. There were better people to spend their time on than him. Everyone else was busy trying to make a difference and figure out what to do. All he was doing was being irrational about past mistakes that he wanted to erase a thousand times over.

“Alvin. I know you’re there.”

He froze, recognizing that mature voice in an instant.

He felt himself walking up to the door, a shaky hand stopping short of opening it, “Hey, honor’s student. What brings you here?” His voice was rough, weak. Talking behind closed doors looked suspicious, but what other option did he have?

“Open the door, Alvin.”

Alvin was silent for a while, fingers dancing around the button to slide the door open but failing to press it every time. He didn’t want Jude to comfort him again, not after all the kid had done for him. An empty chuckle left his lips to clear the air of the cold silence, but he heard nothing from the other side. Jude must have known.

“Did Ludger tell you what happened? I’d figure you’d be with the Milla they brought back,” Alvin chuckled sarcastically. They all had been attached to Milla in some way, but Jude had practically been attached to her hip. No matter all that he did for everyone, Jude was always there for Milla. He wasn’t on the journey for anyone but her. It only made sense that he would have gone immediately for the fake.

“It wasn’t Ludger. It was Leia,” Jude answered bluntly, “And…that can be saved for another time. I just need you to let me in, Alvin. Please.”

He stared at the door as one finger slipped onto the open button. The door slid open, revealing the esteemed Dr. Jude Mathis, black hair messed up as always and professional lab attire askew like he had been sleeping in it again. Alvin watched as the doctor looked him over like just another patient, his amber eyes widening as they trailed the profile of Alvin’s face. Alvin just looked away, hating every minute of it. 

What kind of person was he to continually require support? Milla had stood tall despite everything, Jude never reached out for help even when it broke him, and even little Elize acted more like an adult than he ever did. Was he a failure to not be able to move past everything, to throw away the persona that spewed lies like small talk?

“So? What did Leia tell you?” Alvin asked, liking the noise rather than the unknowing silence. At least talking gave him something solid to work with.

Jude sighed, walking past Alvin into the apartment, “She told me about Gilland. And that you were acting off for the rest of the mission.” The door quickly closed in front of Alvin’s face, and he turned to look at Jude. The young doctor walked into Alvin’s apartment – clean, professional, barely lived in – and spent his time examining the furniture.

“You know Leia’s the type to worry too much. Didn’t you grow up with her?” Alvin attempted to joke, but it fell flat with how dead his voice was beginning to sound. Leia…concerned even when he was the one who shot her all those years ago. How could she even stomach being around him anymore? He’d been asking himself that for over a year now.

“She’s right to be concerned, Alvin. Anyone would think that something’s wrong after what happened.”

“Right. But everything’s fine, kid,” Alvin walked towards the doctor and forced a smile on his face.

Jude didn’t turn to look at him, seemingly more interested in the opened bathroom door, “Alvin…”

“Is it wrong to tell the truth, Jude?”

He was lying again.

Jude pressed on, “It’s okay to talk if something’s wrong. There’s no shame in that. I just want to know if you’re alright. We’re friends, right?”

How could Jude call him a friend?

“I’m always alright, Jude. Everything’s fine. Only thing to complain about is no lady friend.”

Promises of truth, falling out the window.

“Alvin,” Jude turned to look at Alvin with hard eyes, “Remember back on the journey? You told me that it was okay to talk about what I was going through. It really helped me, so…”

Did Jude really believe that shit?

“What? You trusted that?” Alvin’s words were like the snap of a whip, cutting through the calm as he looked up with an irritated face, “How do you know I wasn’t using that for information, Jude? Let you talk about your problems so I could get some secrets.”

Jude’s eyes widened as he took an uneasy step back, “Alvin…”

“Really…” Alvin stepped back, his hand finding a chair to hold onto to balance, “You believed it, after all this time? After all I’ve done?”

He looked down, not wanting to see Jude as the kid approached him. He didn’t want to see those eyes full of concern, or the hesitation in Jude’s hands when they stopped short of touching him. Alvin’s eyes were on the floor, where he could see Jude’s feet a distance away like he was afraid of what Alvin would do. Good.

“Alvin…it’s true that you’ve done those things, but there’s a reason why we’re still friends,” Jude’s voice was calm, but Alvin could see the nervous twitches of a hand dropping to the side, “You were a je…you were a liar but still some truth showed through. And you’ve been trying, Alvin. All of us can see that.”

“But you didn’t see me today, Jude,” Alvin’s voice grew louder as he looked up, “Do you know how easy it was to fall back into it again, Jude? What’s keeping me from lying to you guys again? What’s keeping you from suspecting me?” His breaths grew quicker as everything poured out from his mouth, memories interrupting his eyes with the sins he had performed as a member of Exodus.

“Because we trust you, Alvin,” Jude looked him square in the eye, “You deserve a second chance.” Alvin wanted to laugh at how stupid Jude sounded. Everyone saw him fall back into his role as Gilland’s pawn and Jude still trusted him. A year ago, Alvin would have laughed at how easy it was to worm his way into their group. Now, he was laughing for the opposite. How could they be so stupid to let him hang around.

“You don’t know how easy it is to keep slipping back, Jude,” Alvin felt his legs sliding against the floor, pulling him down to the floor until his back was against the chair. Alvin breathed his throat raw and he looked around the room – anywhere but Jude – to keep the world from closing in on him. He pulled his legs closer to hug them against his body, like being smaller would keep the claustrophobia from kicking in.

Jude took a few steps closer to Alvin until he stood over him. Alvin could feel liquid well up in his eyes, but he refused to let it fall down his cheek. He didn’t deserve to cry.

“They slip out so easily,” Alvin continued, voice beginning to crack, “I could be making this all up. I could be working for Exodus again. Why the hell do you want to be around me?”

“Because you’re here,” Jude answered.

“What? The hell does that mean? What does the great Jude Mathis have to say about - ?”

Before he could finish, he felt two skinny arms wrap around him, pulling him in close. Alvin felt his muscles go limp, releasing tension that he didn’t realize he had built up.

“If you really were a liar, you wouldn’t be like this,” Jude whispered calmly into Alvin’s ear, “If you were, you wouldn’t be scared. If you weren’t afraid of falling back into your old ways, then this wouldn’t have affected you.”

“Jude…it’s who I am. I can’t do this anymore. I’ve been trying, but…I don’t deserve this. I never have.”

“You’ve been trying, and you need to keep trying,” Jude squeezed him tight, “You’re a good man, Alvin. You try harder than all of us.”

“It’s because I can’t fail. If I could act like a perfect nephew to a bastard…then what’s keeping me from doing anything else, Jude? What if I hurt everyone again?”

“That just shows how much you care,” Jude pulled away, “It’s why we trust you, Alvin.”

Alvin was hesitant to look up and meet Jude’s eyes. The words were exactly what a bright-eyed kid would say, but they were just what he needed. He needed to be trusted and he needed to have people around him to support him. It was pathetic, but it was how he survived. He had spent so long watching his back that having a group of friends to actually talk to had spoiled that balance. 

Now, he was scared of ruining everything.

A shudder ran through his body, and Alvin immediately buried his face in his arms to hide the quiet sobs that escaped him. He was twenty-seven and a boy eleven years his junior had driven him to tears. Sometimes, he didn’t think he deserved to be an adult. His childhood had been spent being crafted into the perfect tool for Exodus and now he was still picking up the pieces as to how people are really supposed to act.

Jude looked on, never commenting on or staring at the older man that was crying on the floor. Later, Alvin would ask Jude to never mention this again. Later, Alvin would be sure to buy Jude something to show his gratitude.

But for now, he was an unhinged Alvin crying over the fear of losing to his other self. And the silence was all that Alvin could ask for.


End file.
